I'm a pretty patient person, usually, unless I'm surrounded by idiots and then all patience goes right out the window.

It all started when my dear friend and former business associate, Carl, invited my husband, Grant, and I to go on a short road trip with him and his wife, Starr.  Originally, the trip was going to begin in Cleveland, which is where Carl and his wife now live, but my husband and I had to be in New England so we decided to take individual road trips that would lead us to one another.  That's when we came up with Niagara Falls as a reasonable meeting point, on the Canadian side.

Of course, whenever I hear the words, "Niagara Falls,"  I have to break into that old "Slowly I Turned" routine made popular by both Abbott and Costello and The Three Stooges.  You know the story: Some guy has his heart broken by his wife who runs off with another guy in, you guessed it, Niagara Falls.  So, every time he hears the words, "Niagara Falls," he goes berserk and tries to kill the poor bastard who has innocently uttered them.  Or maybe you don't know the story.  Carl and Starr didn't, so they didn't understand why I kept yelling, "Niagara Falls!  Slowly I turned, step by step, inch by inch," before grabbing my husband by the neck and attempting to strangle him to death. They just figured it was one of my antics.

Actually, I attempted to strangle Grant several times on the way to you-know-where, just for fun.  But it's not generally a good idea to strangle someone while they're driving.  Just saying.

To get to Niagara Falls (!), we had to drive from Stockbridge, Massachusetts, which is a nice six-hour trip across the Berkshires and upper New York State on the Mass Pike.  It was a delightful fall day, with great patches of autumn color and occasional downpours, but we we enjoyed every bit of the journey. 

At the same time we were approaching from the east, Carl and Starr were approaching from the west.  Carl and I thought it would seem more like a shared road trip if we exchanged texts along the way.   It went like this:

Mindy: Is it raining where you are?

Carl: No, very sunny.

Mindy: Raining here but not much traffic.  Will be on the cool side tomorrow.

Carl: LOL - I'm wearing shorts.

Mindy: I'm dressed like Nanook of the North.

Carl: (Laughing with tears emoji)

Mindy: We're about 100 miles outside of Buffalo.  ETA to hotel around 5:05 pm.  Hope none of us get hung up at the border.  I may get detained for my outfit alone.  I don't know how Canadians feel about neon Spandex.

Carl: No problem.  We'll meet in prison (smiley emoji).  We're at the border.  We'll ask about Spandex and let you know.  LOL

Mindy:  LOL...We'll be there ourselves within the hour.

Carl: (Cool emoji with sunglasses) Found out.  No problem with Spandex.  But they don't allow neon.  Confirmed that you get one call.  You have my number.

Mindy: Help!  I need some subdued spray paint!

Carl: (Sends me a picture of the "neon lane" at Customs)

Mindy (Emoji sticking out green tongue) The GPS just informed us we've been diverted to the Mexican border.  We still have a ways to go.  Would you please check on some possible dining options?  I'm guessing seven would be a good time.  We eat everything except Canadian food.  And Mexican.

Carl: We just checked in. There are several restaurants around the area so there shouldn't be a problem finding a place to eat.  The hotel recommended a steak place next door, but we're very flexible as long as the restaurant has a good bar.

We were both having a great chuckle until Grant and I finally approached the Rainbow Bridge, which takes you from the seedy New York side of Niagara Falls to the Reno-esque Canadian side of Niagara Falls.  Ah - so near and, yet, so far.  That was when I really began to feel like strangling people.  And here's the reason why.

Mindy: We're stacked up in front of the Rainbow Bridge.  Latest ETA is 5:25.  Is the hotel okay?  I'm afraid we may be backed up until Monday morning.  Not budging.  I'm going to get up on the car roof and twerk.  Everyone will run to South Dakota.

Carl: We can see the Rainbow Bridge from our window, so please don't twerk.  (Emoji with hands extended - like "Gentlemen, I implore you.")  "The hotel is about what you would expect  Don't worry about the time.  We're going to find a bar.  Just text us when you're ready to meet up.

Mindy: Did you also come across the Rainbow Bridge?

Carl: No, the Peace Bridge.

Mindy: That explains it. We're still sitting here – very slowly approaching the Un-Peaceful Bridge.  Haven't been through Customs.  The ETA now shows 7:14. I'm not sure if that's a.m. or p.m.  Do you think the bar delivers?  After we locate the hotel, we'll check in and need to freshen up.  Will text you ASAP.

Carl: K. Thx. Sorry. (Sad emoji).

Mindy: I'm looking for a hara-kiri emoji. (Laughing with tears emoji).

Carl (Dark emoji) Will this work?  Where are you?  On the bridge yet?

Mindy: LOL...Just got on the bridge but barely moving.  It's unreal.  I'll have a double.  If you can still see the bridge, I'll flash my neon at you!  Maybe I'll blind the other drivers. Looks like we're going to have to pee in the Niagara River.

Carl: I've heard the expression "Cry Me a River," but...(smiley emoji, hands extended).

Mindy: I'm looking for a barrel right now.  I've been behind some idiot from New Jersey for the past 500 hours.  It's a good thing our windows are closed 'cuz I'm sounding a little like Tony Soprano.  And don't get me started on the fat-assed morons on very loud motorcycles revving their engines on one side of us and the doofus on the other side who's smoking himself to death.  Of course, they're electronic cigarettes.  He's competing with the falls to make mist.  Arrgghhh!  Where's the arsenic when you need it?  And the GPS is now giving me an ETA of the twelfth of never.

And then...

Mindy: Approaching Customs.  Eventually.  I've grown a long beard and bushy eyebrows.  Just like the picture on my passport.

Carl: Great!  Just found out this weekend is Canadian Thanksgiving – second Monday in October.  BTW, they have restrooms here.

All I can say is thank God for texting and Carl's sense of humor.  I was actually having quite a meltdown in the car.  My calm and sensible husband was merely dismayed, like a normal person.  Turns out, it wasn't only Canadian Thanksgiving weekend.  It was also Columbus Day weekend in the States.  Apparently, people were dying to get out of the U.S. (I can just imagine the length of the line leaving the States if Mr. Pussy wins the election!)

So, we did manage to meet up for dinner minutes after we made it to our hotel.  I got out of my neon Spandex and changed into something less comfortable while Grant parked our rental car.   Over the next  36 hours, the four of us had a fabulous time doing the things that people do in Niagara Falls.  And, when the weekend was over, we knew we wanted to make these road trips a tradition.  We already missed Carl and Starr before we breezed back over the Rainbow Bridge on Canadian Thanksgiving/Columbus Day morning. 

So I sent Carl a text.

Mindy: Where shall we rendezvous next?

Carl: Maybe we can meet in Napa!?

Mindy: I'll prepare my robe.

Carl didn't respond to that and I didn't understand why until I checked on my messages a week later.  That's when I felt like an idiot.  So I sent him another text.

Mindy: Oh! I thought you wrote Nepal (chagrined emoji). Napa would be great! And no robes required!